Airlines are rushing to implement their newest “revenue enhancement,” a $45.00 Volcano Flight Interruption Fee.

A spokesman claimed, “We see this as a benefit for our travelers. This way only the passengers who wish to continue their trip will have to pay for it. Some travelers may decide to seek alternate transportation to their destination and they will not be charged this fee. Of course, they will incur a $50.00 Seeking Alternate Transportation Fee, and the $20.00 vacant seat fee.”

When asked what an airline ticket actually purchased, the spokes person replied, “People are under the mistaken impression they are buying transportation, but there is no way we can actually get them anywhere for what we charge, so essentially the price of a ticket buys passengers the right to be charged for all the things it takes to actually run an airline.”

“And how is this working out for you?” we asked.

“I am proud to report, that by implementing these fees and with the concessions we have received from the pilots, mechanics, and flight attendants unions, we were able to keep our executive compensation right where it needs to be.”

More later.

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Image via CrunchBase

All Binged! out.

It is almost impossible…

BING! Make the impossible posible with the all new…

to read…

BING! Read the new novel from…

a web page these days without…

Bing! No need to go without! Call…

a window…

BING! New windows and doors from…

popping…

BING! Try new InstaPop Popcorn it’s gooooood!

open.

BING! Open a new account now with…

Bing!…

BING! Search now with Bing!

Isn’t the only one, but unfortunately for Bing! is the most visible…

BING! Visible results in days not weeks!

Since when does being irritating…

BING! Stop skin irritations with Aloe Aloe Aloe

and obnoxious, qualify as good advertising?

BING! Advertise with Bing!

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Cover of 'American Gigolo'

If you immediately thought of the Giogio Moroder song popularized by Blondie on the soundtrack to American Gigolo… that was 29 years ago! You need to get out more.

I want to talk about voicemail.

And how bad messages drive me crazy.

The scenario goes like this:

Phone rings. I can’t answer in time, but I see on the Caller ID who called. I wonder… What did they want? and about that time the voicemail message comes through, “Ah ha!” I think, I can now find out what they want. So I push the playback button and hear that I have one new message, that if I want to playback the messages I need to push the same buttons I have been pushing for years. I hear that the message  came in at some o’clock on some date and finally I get to the message… “Dan this is (blank) Call me.”

Call you? Call you what? About what? How about a little detail?

Sometimes the caller will even tell you what time it is when they called, although this seems more to cover their butt than for any useful purpose, since their stated time is never even close to the time the message actually came in.

How hard is it to say “it’s about the fifty bucks,” or, “can we meet tomorrow at 9:00 am my office?” or, “I vote NO on the proposal.” or, “I saw your wife with Jimmy at the bar last night,” something, anything, other than “call me.” I even used to ask people to leave a detailed message, so they would say, “Call me, at home, after 5:00.” Not to mention how stupid you feel when you call and get their voicemail and your message has to be, “You said to call, so…” So what? What can we say?

And how long have answering machines and voicemail been around? Is there anyone on the planet that has trouble with this? But still, just about every cell carrier tacks instructions for how to leave a voicemail onto your greeting.

Recently David Pogue in the New York Times estimated: “I’m using, as an example, Verizon’s $60-a-month plan. You get 900 minutes for that, which comes out to 6.67 cents a minute.Verizon has 70 million customers. If each one leaves a message or checks voicemail twice a day, that’s 70 million * 6.67 cents * .5 (half a minute listening to two 15-second instruction recordings) * 365 days = $852,092,500. And that’s just Verizon!”

To be fair, ATT recently eliminated the phrase “To page this person please press 5 now.” If you have ever “paged this person” Let me know in comments.

I have to admit I tried it once.

The automatic paging text went out, with my phone number, (to the phone of the person who couldn’t, or wouldn’t, answer my call to begin with.)

I think the message said “Call me.”

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Blue Mask, Venezia by Gret@Lorenz

While checking out an MSNBC article about Latisse, the “eyelash enhancer.” that can grow hair in “unintended places” change the color of eyes and other great things. I found these sites:

Truthinaging.com and Realself.com which, I don’t know, seem like odd names for web sites that are concerned with body enhancement procedures, whether surgical, plastic or non-invasive.

Maybe it’s just me.

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"We have to leave, Robin. The Dallasites are coming with torches and pitchforks."

This past Sunday I was attending Sunday School and the teacher was discussing ethics and the issues we face today. He had filled a whiteboard with words and phrases like: reproduction, abortion, education, creation, animal rights, the environment, marriage, crime, punishment, immigration, the economy.

He asked if there was anything else to add to the list … and I called from the back of the room “I think that’s all we have time to solve today.”

The line got a laugh, because obviously we weren’t going to solve anything that morning.

If you want to use observational humor then you have to stay a step removed from what is going on around you, otherwise you run the risk of losing your perspective.

You have to ask yourself over and over again; “What’s wrong with this picture?” (Although you are free to think of a new less worn-out phrase.)

We can’t stay a step-removed if we “become audience.”

This is a phrase used in improvisation. It means getting so wrapped up in a scene that you cease to play and begin to watch. It can happen to anyone. A performer comes up with a line that is so brilliant, so funny and so right, that you stop to admire it, rather than advancing the scene. Or sometimes, so incredibly stupid you check to see if his brains have fallen to the floor.

But I bring this up to point out that you have to keep your eyes and ears open for inconsistencies, inaccuracies and incongruities.

When the city council meeting gets heated, you can either get mad along with everyone else, or reflect on how absolutely silly it is that the city council of Dallas, Texas is concerning itself with the placement of bathouses (like birdhouse, only for bats) for a Boy Scout Eagle project.

When nearly all the media is fawning over a new president, and even the late night hosts are relying on old material about the outgoing president – You can, if a liberal, enjoy their deference and respect for the new leader. Or, if a conservative, rail against the hidebound nincompoops who don’t appreciate the sacrifices of the outgoing commander-in-chief.

Or you can stay a step back from the hoopla, and observe.

Observe that if forced to fight, and I had to choose, I think I would choose Barack rather than Michelle, she looks like one tough mother.

You can wonder if he would have been elected if he had gone by his college nickname, Barry. Try saying it like you’re teasing the class nerd “Oh Barrreeeeee!” Barack has that hard K sound that just cuts off all teasing.

You can wonder if the Obama-maniacs appreciate the fact they now live in an Obama-nation?

You can get wrapped up in the fact that FeedBurner has somehow lost your feed stats, or think about how we all sound like some sort of information vampires – “Must read feeds!” “Must have my feeds!” “Feed me!”

You can spit, snarl and fume about being caught in school zone traffic, or notice that the little-bitty three-wheeled scooter the parking enforcement officer drives is called “The Interceptor.” And think how lucky he is to work the elementary school. A junior high kid on a bike wouldn’t even have to stand on the pedals to get away.

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