Magic 8-Ball - Wikipedia
I have just been granted access to a secret congressional document that lays out in detail how Congress members make decisions. The document is stunning in its simplicity, while allowing for incredible latitude in the actual implementation.
In a flow chart fashion it breaks down complex decisions into a series of Yes/No options leading ultimately to a thoughtful, reasoned conclusion.
Below is just a sampling of this testament to democracy:
- Will voting for this issue get me reelected?
- If “yes” then:
- Will this bill require me to actually do something?
- If “Yes” then vote “No”
- If “No” then:
- Will it help me raise more money to get reelected?
- If “No” then
- Can it be ignored until after reelection, or more donations appear?
- If “yes” then
- Will it get me press coverage, which will help with my reelection?
- If “Yes” then:
- Is there a cute child (preferably disabled) that can appear at the press conference with me?
- If “No” then:
- Will it actually make sense and help the economy?
- Input error
- Will it help or hurt the average taxpayer?
- Who?
- Can I trade for a vote on bill to increase Congressional pay and benefits?
- If “No” then
- Can I trade for a vote on increasing Congresional retirement benefits?
- If “No” then”
- Will changing parties get me better benefits, pay and retirement?
- If “Yes” then
- Call a press conference. (Be sure to mention reelection campaign)
- Did I write the bill?
- If “No” then
- Can I claim credit?
- If “No” then
- Can I delay the issue while appearing sympathetic and get reelected?
- If “Yes” then:
- Call a press conference indicating support. (Be sure to mention reelection campaign)
- Have I contacted the appropriate lobbyists for their input into my decision, and to remind them about reelection fundraising campaign?
- If “yes” then:
- Was the liquor they provided a premium brand?
- If “No” then:
- Do they have access to pictures from last overseas junket?
- If “Yes” then:
- Promise Support. Remind them about upcoming reelection, and stand there until they cough up a donation.
- Have I consulted the Magic 8-Ball or will this require the dart board?
- Have I asked that cute page for their opinion over drinks and dinner?
- If “Yes” then drink cheap lobbyist booze with them.
There you have it.
American politics at its finest!
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on Mar 10th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
For some reason I envisioned a dart board, pizza boxes, and cheap liquor being a majoy part of the process.
on Mar 10th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
ha. I did some work on expert systems and artificial intelligence a while back. It was a goverment contract, and your tree looks suprisingly familiar.
hmm. maybe you do have an inside source.
just realized Congress = Artificial Intelligence.
Perfect!
on Mar 10th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
It’s great to see that I’m not alone in my thinking about how useless, self-centered and arrogant our elected “representatives” are. If there is something that is a logical conclusion, you can expect that Congress will do the opposite. Way to go Dan!
on Mar 11th, 2009 at 4:10 am
Man..!!!! :0
all that looks complicated to me….
never thought that to pass a bill so much of useless thinking requires …. lol….
nice post…..!!!!!
on Mar 11th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Right on — and write on!
on Mar 11th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I am going to reblog this on http://awop-environment.blogspot.com/. Thanks for the laugh. We have to laugh or we will pull our hair out and I do not have much left.
on Mar 11th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
CB: Aren’t nearly all major decisions made this way?
JJ: Artificial – likely Intelligence? I’m not so sure
Ellen: Term limits look better and better to me.
Gaurav: It isn’t really complicated, as long as you remember the goal is always to get reelected.
Sherry: Thanks for stopping by.
CyberCelt: Thanks for the repost.
on Mar 11th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
funny but sadly it is so true!
on Mar 14th, 2009 at 5:11 am
i actually have a magic 8 ball on my work desk.
on Mar 15th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
This probably isn’t all that far from the truth. It needs another step:
“Is this bill in accordance with the whim of my lobbyists?”
Sigh…
on Mar 16th, 2009 at 3:49 am
Cheers for sharing this. Why doesn’t it surprise me a bit? Ha, ha
on Mar 16th, 2009 at 10:48 am
They think this much? I thought their house maids told them what to do.
on Mar 16th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
I’d laugh…if I was thinking in the back of my had, “is this true?”
on Mar 16th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Dinah: Glad to see your in the boat, keep paddling.
Amy: I am not surprised at that.
Rob: Agreed.
Peter K: Cheers to you. The surprise is there is no surprise!
Carl: Good thought. But their maids probably have other “things” to do.
Bulldog: There has to be some perceived truth doesn’t there?
on Mar 17th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
Hey old and sassy.
Shortbushumor.com got accepted to humorbloggers.com.
Thanks for your help! I haven’t written anything for it yet, but the simple fact that you are part of their universe MUST mean that they are cool.
Also, how did you get your wife to say “SURE” to the wearing a thong bikini thing? I’ve been trying for years and my wife was literally a swimwear model…and I still have to work for it…
not fair… old bastard…
on Mar 17th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
JJ:
HBDC is best summed up by the Groucho Marx quote, “I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.”
However, since you’re now admitted to the asylum along with the rest of us… The Eagles said it best, “You can check out, but you can never leave!”
As for the thong, it was a kind of a trade. A favor for favors so to speak. Now she likes it… As do I.
I’ll be in Washington DC May 2nd, you should fly up for lunch. Or get me a booking in your part of the world and I’ll fly down.
on Mar 18th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Dan – I have read this seven different times on five separate days using three different blog-in IDs, on 3 separate computers (1 lenovo, 1 dell and 1 apple) and it made me laugh every time. . . every single time. It’s so wicked. Every day we get one step closer to nowhere. . . and now you’ve given us the road map.
on Mar 18th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Koe:
Kind words indeed. Unfortunately for all of us, no one from Congress has written in to say I’m off-base…
on Mar 19th, 2009 at 1:26 am
The sad part is that on most of that you are probably right. Still funny though no matter which way you look at it. Congress is really on the road to nowhere.
on Mar 19th, 2009 at 7:15 am
It’s a lot of yes/no’s to make these decisions and then very little comes out of it.
on Mar 19th, 2009 at 8:51 am
hey! just dropping by ^^ great post! XD keep up the good work!
on Mar 19th, 2009 at 10:52 am
And all this time I thought Congress used Ouija boards…
on Mar 20th, 2009 at 7:32 am
lol! that magic 8-ball is really useful!
on Mar 20th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Robin:
I think we need an “It’s the Congress, Stupid” bumper sticker
Salute:
Can’t argue with that.
Shu Fen:
Thanks for stopping by.
Phuckpolitics:
(Sorry for the approval delay, I thought I had done this earlier!)
They only break out Ouija Boards for really big decisions, like whether to take the lobbyist sponsored trip to Barbados, or Tahiti.
Roy:
Yes, very useful, for those quick, minor decisions that cost less than a billion dollars.
on Mar 22nd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
And we are wondering about the reasones behind the current financial crises
Do you think that they can press any key to contiune
on Mar 22nd, 2009 at 10:32 pm
When did you start blogging, I have watched a youtube video on blogging and started my own site, please check it out and give me your thoughts.
on Mar 23rd, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Hicham
You may be on to something… the more time Congress spends looking for the “Any” key, the less time they have to “help” us.
Hellen:
I do not have the answers about blogging. There are many, many sites ProBlogger is one that have more good information than I.
on Apr 28th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Such a usefule blog wow !!!!